House The man with an illness
by Dakana Garretson
Summary: House gets the folder for another Generic Sick Guy, and comedic cliches ensue. Each part will be posted as a different chapter. enjoy
1. Chapter 1

House - The man with an illness (or the formula for a good House episode)

The sun shone over the Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, as doctor House walked through the doors.

"House, I have a case for you"

Cuddy walked over to him in the same feminine way she did everything

House turned to her "I'm not interested! It'll be boring!"

Cuddy stopped "and how do you know you're not interested?"

House sighed "Because i never am! I always walk into this hospital, and i never agree to have any cases from you until you give me some over the top reason for me to take the patient which I ignore, and then you give me a four word symptom and I'm IMEDIATELY hooked. I just like making you suffer like that"

Cuddy thought back. Had she REALLY fallen for that all these times? It didn't matter

"well, your patient has an illness"

House pushed her aside "he's probably sick, that happens a lot. Boring, boring, BORING! Especially when general hospital starts in ten minutes"

Cuddy smirked "ah yes, but this man has been tested for all illnesses and something's wrong"

House turned to her "oh? And what would this great problem be?"

Cuddy shrugged "how should i know? If it's the only way to get you to take the case, then does it matter?"

House waited for a second "okay, I'll do it, but only if I don't have to do clinic this week"

"Why do you always ask for clinic hours off?"

House looked at her with an evil glint in his eye

"Don't you remember? During the first episode you made me have to do a number of months worth of clinic duty, and the sooner the hours are over, the less seasons of this show i have to record, so i can get back to my hookers and music and all those other things i always do when im not at work"

Cuddy handed him the folder, and he went off to his team, who were for some reason already sitting around the desk waiting for him.

House stepped in "Okay, how long have you been sitting in here doing nothing? Is this the meeting of the sidekick's convention? If so, you missed Wilson"

Chase sighed "we're here because you have a case. You always have a case at this time every single week. In fact we mark it down in our calendars."

Cameron turned to Chase "Leave him alone, he's just doing what the fans want"

Chase didn't even look at her "why do you even bother defending him? You already know he doesn't like you!"

House interjected "she knows that I don't like her, but come on, there are so many losers out there watching this who think we still have a thing going on, it's so much fun teasing them"

Foreman picked up the file "so what are we going to do about the sick patient?"

House looked up at him "oh, just start him on some drugs"

Foreman looked confused "what, you're not even going to look at his file?"

"No, not really" House replied "Since whatever we give him first is going to start killing him faster anyway, there's not point in looking until at LEAST the second ad break, and even then im going to misread it"

Foreman gave him a nasty look "you sure are a jerk, House"

"I know" House Replied "But that's the reason so many fans like me, so deal with it"

Chase turned to House "Maybe it's Lupus"

House, Foreman, and Cameron glared at him

"... Sorry, it's just one of us usually suspects it at least once. I just wanted to get it out of the way early"

First Ad Break 


	2. Chapter 2

Part Two

House walked down the corridor, to be stopped by Cameron, who handed him a folder

"Here are the results of the tests we did on the patient"

House glared at her

"I didn't tell you to do any tests"

Cameron smirked "I know, your ego never allows you to do tests, but I'm the sort of person who goes out and does anything that you tell us not to do, even though I still harbour feelings for you. That's just one of the things that makes my character complex"

House raised an eyebrow 

"But your character isn't complex. You have a thing for broken men and babies, and you always have to argue with everyone. If there's a shallower person on television I haven't seen them. Anyway, that break was just five minutes long. How did you manage to get all those tests done so quickly?"

"Don't you know anything House?"

Cuddy came from nowhere, conveniently at the right point in the conversation

"The ad breaks only seem to be five minutes to the people watching on television. In reality, they take however long it takes to get all the technical bits done so the fans don't have to actually watch it."

House took a look at the results

"Not that it matters, the medicine I gave his is surprisingly not working, and, amazingly, it is making him worse, giving him more symptoms that are obviously to do with the medicine we've just given him and are in no way the illness he has getting worse"

Suddenly, House's beeper went off, followed by Cameron's. House reached for it, and looked at the amazingly small screen

"It seems our patient has started getting symptoms which put him in a lot of pain and make his body spasm uncontrollably"

"you can get all that on that tiny screen?" Cuddy asked curiously

"No" House replied "I just assume from past experience"

-Running!-

Cue to an image of the patient in his room looking ill with token wife/girlfriend/coach standing next to them looking worried. Camera rotate to see House's team coming down the coridoor

-More Running!-

The team get there first, slowly followed by House who, although doesn't run, somehow magically makes it there mere seconds after his team

"He's going into shock!" Chase exclaimed in a very Australian way

House walked over to the patient and randomly placed his hand on his chest

"Of course he is! Tell me something I don't know"

House looked over his monitors

Chase pushed in front of him "We're going to have to intubate"

House held his cane in front of chase 

"aren't there more suitable things to do for this situation?"

Chase looked at him "Well, yeah, but we don't have any of them. This intubation equipment is the most complex equipment we have. Why do you think we use it almost every episode?"

They all rushed around him in order to intubate, but as they did, they realised he wasn't getting any better. 

"House told you! This equipment is wrong, he's going to get worse!" Foreman complained, strangely agreeing with House despite how much he said he hated him.

"It's not anything that I did!" Chase shouted "My ego is too big to be wrong! It's the illness he's got! Its ... killing him!"

-cue close up of all the team's faces as a look of shock passes over them-

House appears shocked, and wondered why, even though all of his patients nearly die, it still continues to make his team panic every time it happens

Second ad break


	3. Chapter 3

Part Three

House and his team sat around the table in the office doing nothing, until the writer of the fanfic comes along, realises he's left this on pause for a LONG time, picks up his remote control, and presses play.

They suddenly spring into life.

"what are we doing here?" Chase asked, looking round the room "last thing I remember, we were in the patient's room, and ... he was dying"

"Oh don't look so shocked" House said "Whenever there's a medical emergency that the writers don't know how do deal with, we cut away right back to another scene where its just taken as granted that we've already dealt with it! If you don't know THAT by now, then you're stupid and I might just fire you for an ex-plastic surgeon, a professional Indian defibrillist, a Bisexual girl, and ... hell, cant think of anyone I'd want to replace Foreman with"

Cameron stood and slammed her hands on the table "This is unacceptable! You're ruining the story for anyone who hasn't seen Season four yet!". House just looked at her, raised an eyebrow, and went back to the whiteboard.

"so, all of the previous work we've done on the patient hasn't worked. We've only managed to get him stable by doing a lot of immensely complicated things off screen, all of which are much too intricate to be explained now. There must have been something we missed on the tests"

"not possible" Foreman said, "we've put him through all of the tests we can think of and nothing else came up. We didn't overlook anything at all, I'm sure of it"

"Of course you did!" said House "In fact, you should know that you overlooked something, because EVERY time all your findings are proven wrong, there's always something wrong in the tests that you did. Either you missed something in the test that you did, or your tests got a false negative or something wrong like that. Its happened SO many times I'm amazed you're not used to it"

Foreman sighed "Its not like its my fault. That's how my lines are written. I can't help it, so stop digging at me about it"

"Your lines are written like that, and mine are written to make fun of yours, so deal with it, I'm having fun here"

House opened his bottle of Vicodin, took one, and tossed it back into his mouth.

Foreman sighed "fine then, ill do your stupid tests!"

-jump cut-

House sits in his office, playing with his cane, even though he has an infinitely more interesting computer standing next to him.

"We've found what the problem was" said Foreman as he walked into the office. "One of the tests had been a false negative, and we've started the patient on the new treatment. He should be getting better in no time"

House glared at him and stood up "no he isn't!"

-jump cut to right outside the patients room, although strangely the conversation hasn't moved on any more, and Chase and Cameron are somehow there-

House walks into the patient's room. He looks up at House and smiles

"I'm feeling much better Dr. House, thank you. I should be well enough to leave soon"

"No you wont!" says House angrily, looking at his watch.

"why?" the patient asks

"because this is the end of part 3 ... we still have the last part of the episode to go"

Ad Break 3


End file.
